Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
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My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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