i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
