I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You pole danced in your parka.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
