just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
