I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
