eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
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He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
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He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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