he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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