Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
