i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
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I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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