I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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