I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
