it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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