My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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