We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
