According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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