I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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