My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
