yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
