i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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