I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
where are you?
Hypothermia
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
