I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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