she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
