Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
