it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
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Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
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I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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