I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
