He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
