I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
