Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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