i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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