I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
