I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
