Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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