remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I love having hate sex.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
