I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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