After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
