david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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