Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
