apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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