True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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