In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
