Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
