I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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