He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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