I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
