Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
