At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
