Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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