Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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