just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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