My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
