if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
