so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
