As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
