Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
