Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Randomize
