We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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