i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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