hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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