hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
